I feel like growing up in today's world is the craziest thing. No other generation has experienced what we are experiencing. There are zero guidelines, zero rules, and unlimited possibilities. You can be anything you want to be. You could stop everything you are doing today, leave your friends, move to a different city, start completely fresh as a brand new person, and no one would say a thing. People will let you do whatever you want. Dress a certain way, do your hair a certain way, live exactly how you want to live. They may talk behind your back or start rumors, but they won't tell you what's wrong with you, the people close to you will even support you in being the craziest person possible if that's who you want to be.
I'm currently in the weirdest most uncomfortable position of my life. I've spent my whole life wondering if I'm different, normal, special, crazy, whatever. One of my worst qualities is my constant over-thinking. It drives me crazy sometimes and I know when it is happening but I can't stop it. It's just who I am and what I do. It's because of this over thinking that I've needed constant change and excitement to distract me from life, I need something to always look forward to. I've lived my life changing my goals and moving from lifestyle to lifestyle doing whatever I want, whenever I want. I didn't realize what I was doing until I met someone that gave me rules to live by. She showed me from an outside perspective the life that I was living and what it was doing to me. I was broken inside and either no one could see through the mask that I was wearing, or they knew I wouldn't listen if they told me. She has set me on a completely different path, one that I feel like I am wearing a blindfold on. Not only with how I live my life, but with the person I am on the inside. Healthier, stronger, more confident, smarter. I feel better about everything. But as good as it feels, it is completely unknown to me. I don't say uncomfortable in a bad way either. The easiest way to explain it would be comparing it to physiotherapy or working out. You have a goal in mind, but you must work through some uncomfortable pain or positions to get to your end result. You may wake up and dread having to do whatever it is you have to do, but you know what you want and no matter how long it takes you will get there.
"Fake it till you make it"
I've heard this saying a lot. I like the meaning behind it but I don't like the way it is worded. Life isn't about faking anything. Maybe it is easier in some people's minds to do something if they believe they are faking it but all you have to do is do it. You take something unknown to you, and live it till it becomes who you actually are. Live it till you don't have to think twice about what you are doing or why you are doing it. And it is scary as fuck. Sometimes I stop and think about everything that I have planned for the week and all I want to do is cancel everything and crawl in to a black hole of video games, distractions, and old habits. That is why it's uncomfortable for me. But it gets easier every day. Everyone has their own form of distractions and way of shutting out the world, what is yours? And is it healthy?
I'm in one of those plateau's in life but I know it isn't a bad thing. I'm working so hard. Not sometimes, but every single day. Struggling every day to be someone that I have no idea how to be. Scared that I am doing things wrong and unsure if I'm going to reach my goals. I failed to reach a couple goals this summer but it isn't a big deal because I'm still working towards them. For one reason or another things didn't turn out the way I wanted so changes had to be made to my plan. But that's okay. Not reaching a certain goal isn't failure, giving up is failure. So until I decide to crawl back in to the whole that I was digging for myself until last year, I haven't given up, and haven't failed.
I didn't know I was lost
